10 Things I Wish My Boyfriend/Husband Understood About My Role as a Stepmom
More times that I can count, I have tried to bring up the subject of the challenges I face in being a Stepmom. While Honey will often say, “I’m sure it’s not easy,” or “Thank you for doing (such and such),” I am also often met with a complete lack of understanding or attempt at understanding the exact struggles I face (as WE ALL face) in my role as a Stepmom.
I have incited countless arguments. I have cried. I have stormed away from him out of shear anger of not being understood.
There are days it feels as though I may be speaking my feelings to a brick wall, as a brick wall may be more soft!
I know I’m not alone. Simply google “The Struggles of Being a Stepmom” and you will find numerous citations of women saying what they didn’t know about being a Stepmom. Things women wish they could say to their husband and have him understand. But, ladies, our husbands, unfortunately, CAN’T understand!
However, IF they could, this is what we would want them to know.
I love your kids, but sometimes I wish it was just us
This, by no means, means that I wish they didn’t exist! But there are times I wish it could just be you and me. No worrying about what biomom might say. No worrying about custody arrangements. No worrying about parenting plans. Just you and me, in this life together.
I knew you had kids. I prepared for it. But I still didn’t know what I was getting into.
Just because I planned and prepared, doesn’t mean I knew exactly what our situation would be like. You can’t know something you’ve never done before. No one can say I knew what I was getting into when I decided to be with you.
This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It doesn’t mean I want out. It just means it’s hard.
As stated above, you can’t know what you don’t know. Some days I want to hole myself up in the bathroom and cry my eyes out. In many respects, I do take on the role of a mom when they are here, but I am left knowing that I am not their mom. I am consistently reminded that they have a real mom, and I’m not that. I am reminded in my reprimands that I really have very little authority to reprimand them.
I love them. And I don’t want out. Just know that sometimes this is really hard.
I do wonder at times if I’d be better alone.
Sometimes, I wonder how much different and how much easier my life would be like if I didn’t decide to be with a man who had kids. Having to worry about custody arrangements and parenting plans. Or doing something that angers biomom.
I know, this sounds harsh. But, like I said, I couldn’t fully know what I was getting into at the beginning.
I constantly worry
If I’m right by you.
If I’m doing right by the kids.
If we have enough money.
If biomom is texting you about what we’re doing wrong.
When the next shoe will drop.
If I’m doing enough.
Sometimes I need a break. And I feel guilty for it
Sometimes, taking on the role of a (not) parent on a majority of my weekends is exhausting to me. I went from having next to no responsibilities on my days off of work, to helping to take care of two tiny humans. I love it. But sometimes, I need a break. And I feel guilty for this. I should be a better stepmom. I should be a better partner for you. I shouldn’t need breaks.
I did give up a lot to be in this role
In many respects, I gave up what I imagined my life to be. I always imagined a life of being a first wife, having our first kids together, and not worrying about custody, and child support, and helping to raise two kids whom, I will always be reminded, are not actually mine. Some days, I feel like I’ve given up my sanity.
I strongly desire a connection with my own child. And at times stepkids increase this desire.
You can’t know what it’s like to have an unbreakable connection with your own tiny human until you have one. I know the connection I have with my stepkids, and I desire to know what it is like to have that, and more, with my own child. When the kids are talking about mom, or what you and mom used to do together, etc. etc. it makes me crave that from my own child, to be the mom. To be the one who is called mom.
Sometimes I am resentful of them, her, and your past
I know, this sounds awful. But, if it wasn’t for you having two kids with another woman, our lives would be entirely different. Maybe we could have had kids together already. Or gone on a Mexican vacation already. There are memories you have with her and them, that you can’t have with me. There are things that we cannot do because of them and her.
Your past controls us more than mine
Because of your past with her, we have to take custody arrangements into consideration. We have to take child support into consideration. She will always be there. My exes won’t be. They don’t follow me around. I don’t have to keep in contact with them. They are out of my life, and out of the picture. But she will always be there. For baseball games, soccer games, graduations, weddings. And some days that is a hard pill to swallow.